As we know all too well, it can be very hard for womxn to set and enforce our boundaries – and not just when we’re facing violence and sexual assault. We’re conditioned by society to believe that we are acting rude or bitchy whenever we speak up for ourselves or try to set our boundaries.
But that’s bullshit. And just plain disrespectful. You are always allowed to say no, or tell someone to stop, or otherwise use your body and voice to set and enforce your boundaries.
What is a boundary?
It’s a declaration to yourself and others where you clearly state what you will do, and won’t do, in a given situation.
You have every right to use this declaration any time you feel uncomfortable or harassed or threatened in any way. In any situation. No matter how impolite it may feel, or someone may try to make you feel.
This is your power, and you should never give that power away.
Whether a stranger is leering at you on the street or on public transit. Or a coworker is making you uncomfortable in the office. Or a friend or partner is touching you in a way that you don’t want. Or an abusive wealthy ex-boyfriend is invisibly stalking and terrorizing you in a suit he constructed with his optics expertise and the help of his lawyer brother.
Whatever the situation may be, you have every right to stand up for yourself and set boundaries wherever you need for your safety and comfort. It’s not your job to make others comfortable, and you aren’t responsible for their feelings. Let them be responsible for their own feelings, just as you are being responsible for yours by setting and maintaining clearly communicated boundaries.
Here’s how to set your boundaries, the Tough Cookie way:
Step 1: Breathe. Yes, Breathe.
Take some deep breaths with me right now. Breathe in for 4 counts. Hold for 4 counts. Then breathe out for 4 counts.
Feel calmer? Breathing is the most important thing to do when facing danger. It will help you stay present in the situation and in your body, ready to react instead of freeze up.
Breathing is your #1 counterattack to prevent against panicking. So any time you sense danger and feel yourself start to tense up, remember to take lots of deep breaths. That will make every following self defense step and move exponentially easier.
Step 2: Get Into Your Ready Stance.
Start by getting into a strong stance, your feet hip-width apart, with one foot stepped slightly back – whichever side is most comfortable for you. This stance is going to give you better leverage, should you need to actually physically defend yourself.
Then you want to put your arms up, elbows tucked in at your sides, with your palms facing forward.
This “palm flashing” is a universal boundary signal that all humans are wired to recognize and understand. Even babies know what it means. And dogs. Plus having your hands up means they are ready to strike super fast, should you (again) need to physically defend yourself. And even if not, they will still look ready to strike, which could be enough to deter the threat in front of you.
You want to stay in this ready position for as long as you feel is necessary until the threat is gone. Until then, you want to stay facing that threat so you’re as ready as possible for anything. That means shifting your feet and moving around in your ready stance to track their movement, if they move. You may feel a bit silly practicing this now. But trust me, silly is the last thing you’ll be feeling in the moment you need to set these boundaries for real.
Step 3: Give A Clear Verbal Warning.
This can start with a simple “No!” or whatever similar phrasing you prefer, like “Stop!” or “Go Away!” or “Leave me alone!” You can also describe what’s happening to you to alert any bystanders, like “Help!” or “The man in the blue shirt is attacking me!” Or saying something about what you will do if they don’t stop, like “Stop or I will defend myself!” or “I’m gonna fight back if you don’t stop!”
Whatever phrasing you are comfortable with is absolutely acceptable, no matter how long or short. “No” is a complete sentence. Whatever you say, make sure it’s crystal clear. Now is not the time to be shy or vague. Make it plain as day that your boundaries are not open to interpretation.
Don’t worry about being nice.
Womxn are often painted as rude or bitchy when we try to speak up and set boundaries for ourselves. I know this can be hard to stomach, especially in a professional, social, or romantic environment where there’s a greater fear of losing favor. But if the environment you’re in doesn’t allow room for this kind of communication, then it’s not a place you want to be in anyway.
So get comfortable with being a strong spoken woman who demands her own safety and respect. Accept that you may need to be less nice to get it. And leave if you don’t.
Remember, your #1 goal in self defense is to get away to safety.
NOT to be nice, or change someone else’s behavior, or kick some ass. This verbal warning is your chance to make it clear that you will do whatever it takes to achieve this goal if they continue to violate your boundaries. Your first priority is to exit the situation safely. But if they will not let you do that, then you have every right to defend yourself and your boundaries in order to make that possible.
That’s why it helps to include a warning of what you will do in response if they don’t heed your warning. By doing so, you are incentivizing them to respect you and your boundaries, and giving them consequences that may deter them enough to de-escalate the situation, while also protecting you legally in the event it does become violent.
But this only works if you actually do what you say you will do in response.
If you don’t enforce the boundaries you set, you will be teaching them that they can get away with ignoring and pushing past your boundaries. So it is incredibly important to enforce your boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable or scary. You need to be ready to do what you’ve warned them you will do to safely remove yourself from the threatening situation and get to safety.
Focus on what you can control, which is how you respond to a situation. And do what you have to do to maintain your own safety and respect.
The way I see it, it’s far better to be rude than harassed, assaulted, or killed.
It all comes down to self respect. Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself. Your body, your boundaries!
Want to know more about how to stand up for yourself and defend your boundaries? Read on to learn self defense, the Tough Cookie way.
Or sign up for my Tough Cookie Self Defense Course, the first truly comprehensive women’s self defense online course that’s actually designed FOR womxn like you BY a womxn who’s been through it too.
